The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
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A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS