Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
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I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
#Caturday
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.