man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
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me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
When you kidnap a writer.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.