Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
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(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?