Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
You Might Also Like
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
no regrets
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH