[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
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me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that