I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
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boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….