I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
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🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I bet birds love this building.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
This is a bad sign
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.