Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
☺️
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.