My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
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BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
That’s easy for you to say
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
going to the ER y’all need anything
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.