I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
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ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?