Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
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Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
New comic up. “Ransom”
Delightful if true: booby trap.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
that’s really how it is
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few