Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
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[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.