My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
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I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire