unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
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At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.