How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
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I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Going into Monday like
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream