What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
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Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
it must be school picture day
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
stop
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.