My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
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Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.