Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
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Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I’m not proud
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Never forget.