No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
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If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
When the stylist spins you back around
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 馃ぃ
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where鈥檚 Waldo.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no