I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
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Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.