I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
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Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.