*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
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Spotted in New Orleans.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
What
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn