8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
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coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
*orders delivery*
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up