I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
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My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
こいつ天才
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me