So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
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[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
don’t we all
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS