Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
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Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.