“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
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Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
THIS HEADLINE
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…