If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
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I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I’m not stressed
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.