If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!