My good tweets are in my other pants.
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High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
This is hilarious….
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Guantanamo Bae
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Roses are red, you always mattered,
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
He just like my cat fr
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*