Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
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Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?