I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
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Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Going to church you guys need anything
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.