My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
You Might Also Like
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
my first day as a raccoon
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510