Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
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Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.