Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
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We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.