my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
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[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I will never stop laughing at this
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.