Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
You Might Also Like
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.