When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
You Might Also Like
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers