Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
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Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Money is the root of all wealth
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Its true…
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
My blood type is b hungry.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?