Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
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I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
the Monday after daylight savings
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Sunday
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded