So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
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Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
I feel seen.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff