*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
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Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.