Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
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The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.