I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
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The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?