[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
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Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Sooo many times…..
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Guantanamo Bae
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.