Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
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He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Seductively sings in Klingon.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies