[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
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Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
School be like
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
🤭😂
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.