My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
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BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.