[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
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The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.